Show me your Darkness Pt 2 - The Healing
I Become my own Knight
I will not be that Maiden who, waiting, learns her Fate has been decided by others. I will not sit by, in my tower, while the World, with its battles and love stories, unfolds beneath me, out of reach.
I will take off my gown, take off my jewellery and bind up my hair.
I will go to the armoury, and put on such armour that shines in the sun, reflective of its brilliance.
I will go to the smithy and take up such a sword that it sings at my touch and cries for battle.
I will go down to the stables, my horse saddled and waiting, a magnificent creature to carry me swiftly into the heart of the struggle. My banner is high, fluttering in the wind. My helm is polished and my visor is down. I see only the road ahead.
This is no time for fear, onwards I ride. Towards the clash, towards the thunder and towards the blood; an echo of what sings in my ears.
I ride into battle to save myself.
Somewhere in the midst of my misery, I became lost. There was no more ‘Me’. There were simply tasks that had to be completed each day, coping mechanisms to be run if things turned bad, a set of rules to follow, and no end in sight unless I ended things – one way or another. (Read pt. 1 to find out why!)
I was in a very dark place. I contemplated death many times. I weighed up my own desolation with that of the hole I might leave behind if I were to leave early. I chose to hang on. And then that little ray of light came in from Spirit. It gave me the tiny shred of hope that I had not been forsaken entirely. It was my turning point.
I decided that the only person who stood any chance of saving me, was Me. But where the hell was she?!
I set about finding her. I ended the relationship with M for the final time. He cried and carried on but my mind was made up that to choose him again would be death to myself. To choose myself would be life. I chose life.
I moved home with my Mum at the age of 25. I began spending time in silence and solitude. I began to re-member myself from the tattered threads before me in the mirror.
I chose my own clothes. I painted my nails. I listened to only kind words. I fed myself foods that my heart wanted to eat. I spent time with trees and grass and fresh air. I drank water. I gave myself time. I took baths and read tarot for myself. I meditated.
Slowly, my mind crept back from the edge; the wild, frightened look began to leave my eyes, and I softened. I exhaled. My heart began to heal crack by crack. Months went by. Some friends gave me another chance, some did not want to speak. I began to understand exactly what that relationship had cost me. I had lost so many things; time, friends, sanity, purpose, connection, myself.
I set myself some boundaries. Allowed myself to open to other men. They weren’t right but they weren’t as wrong as M.
I cried. A lot.
I regretted all the scars I’d given myself. I mourned my lost babies.
I forgave myself for my choices. I began to accept my scars.
I moved to Bristol. The air was cleaner, I was stronger and the energy was fresher. There were no bad memories and no-one knew me. I could find who I was now without it having to be influenced by who I had just been.
I became a Mother and found that a brand new flower of my Being had begun to open up. I flourished. I found my Soul Mate. He nourished me (and still does). I began to refill my cup.
I finished my Reiki Master Teacher training. I set up The Spirit Tree and began to allow Spirit to speak through my heart and guide me in every decision. I dedicated my life to helping others. In doing so, I restore tiny fragments of myself and move from brokenness to wholeness.
I become more. I am happy. I live to Love.
There are many, many paths to healing, and this is just my story. The path to healing you choose may be different, but the important thing is that you do choose to heal. Healing is a choice.
That is how I healed myself. That is why I do what I do, why I help others to heal and to know themselves. That is how I still continue to heal and grow.
Whatever darkness you have gone through, or are still going through, you can become whole and happy. No matter how much healing you’ve already done, you can be more You. The possibility always exists for you to be your best Self.
I thank you so much for reading this <3
Deepest Love and blessings,