It’s Ok not to be Ok.
This month has begun with me trying to find my calm place, my place of stillness and quiet. I have given myself space to be vulnerable.
Many of us have super-busy lives, mine is no different; running my own business, bringing up 2 little girls, keeping house, attending to the needs of my family and OH, seeing friends and balancing my social life as well as carving out time for myself and for my own personal journey.
Most of the time, I manage to make it all work, find the balance and create harmony amongst seemingly chaotic daily happenings. Lately, this has not been so easy for me because I have been doing battle. I have been fighting demons.
Not just the every-day battles that we fight with ourselves about whether our opinion is helpful, whether to eat that cupcake, whether to wear the red dress or just wear the jeans, whether to yield and read ‘just one more’ bedtime story when all you really want is to go downstairs and snuggle up continuing to binge-watch your favourite show.
The battles I have been fighting have been all around my deepest dark places. Things that happened that I have pushed down because they were too painful and raw, things that nearly broke me, things that I had tried to forget. But these things, as we know, have a way of resurfacing and finding us when we least expect it.
Unavoidably now, I have been looking into the face of them, seeing their sharp teeth and feeling the fear and allowing myself to feel exposed. I have been vulnerable and I have laid myself in the light. And though I am through the thick of things, it has all taken its toll. And so tending my energetic and emotional wounds, I find I am behind with the laundry, with this monthly blog post, with the kind words for myself and others. I have cupcake icing still on my lips, wearing jeans and an old baggy t-shirt, no make-up and slightly puffy eyes. But I am smiling and I feel stronger. So I am writing this now. Better late than never.
Don’t get me wrong, I have not been near the edge this time, I am not writing this to cause alarm or worry, or to evoke sympathy. The reason I am writing this is to be honest and to say that I do not have it figured out all the time. I am just human, I stumble and fall, I get cut knees and bruises, I cry, I allow myself to be vulnerable, but I am still strong, I can look at my own stuff rather than push it all back down again, I can admit when it gets a bit too much. And I’m still here.
Sometimes in our daily lives (and especially when we are on our own spiritual journeys,) we can ask too much of ourselves. We think that we have to have this perfect persona that we show the world and that we aren’t allowed to be slow, or late, or absent. We have to show up and be there, we have to keep pushing, we have to keep going. Sometimes, the most loving and kind thing we can do is to step back and stop. To retreat, to sleep, to be still. To wait. I have waited; until I was stronger again, until I felt ready and until I had seen some of my monsters in the sunlight where they then become no more than imps. Now I can hold space for myself once more, as well as for others. And when it happens again as I’ve no doubt it will, I will know that it’s ok for me to not be ok for a bit.
If you are having a tough time at the moment, I want to tell you that it’s ok to cry and to be vulnerable. You don’t always have to be the warrior. Sometimes, you can be the baby. Sometimes you can hide and wait. You can rest. It’s totally ok. Tomorrow is another day and you will feel better in the morning.